I thought I was fine. I see that I have been here before. The person who appears to be strong, capable, and coping well with life who is suddenly a beautiful mess of vulnerability. I carry my badge of bravery all too often. The eternal empath, listening ear and helper who finds it hard to reach out and share my own insecurities and frailties with others. Yet inside I feel a level of unrest and weariness from maintaining this false bravery.
We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people but we’re afraid to let them see it in us.
Brene Brown – Daring Greatly
I am not sure where I learnt this way of coping with life. I imagine it came along in childhood as the developing traits of resilience and adaption. Perhaps I learnt to feel afraid of feeling weak, ineffectual, or distressingly exposed to others. Our culture reinforces living on the surface. The attitude of ‘you’ll be right, mate’ and offering quick fixes to avoid the listener’s discomfort discourages us from sharing with vulnerability. Instead we communicate with each other on a superficial level, while deep inside we feel anxious and barely able to hold onto our remnants of coping. We fear letting our guard down and showing our true, authentic selves with others. Do we fear not being accepted or perhaps being ridiculed?
However, we need to let people see who we are, flaws and all. In doing so we are demonstrating vulnerability in a positive light. We are asking to be seen by others and listened to. To show a richer, more authentic dimension of who we are. In turn, we are also giving others permission to step into their true nature.
Brene Brown, a sociologist who has studied the link between shame and vulnerability, found that those who felt a keen inner sense of their self-worth and belonging also demonstrated the characteristics of courage, compassion, and connection. They were not afraid to be vulnerable with others. They had the ability to openly share their love and reach out to others without any guarantee of receiving understanding or return on their emotional investment.
Vulnerability and courage are skills we need more than ever. Life is throwing some interesting curve balls at us right now. Everything we knew about living has undergone rapid, unexpected change. We are unrehearsed in this new way of being. A life where we are more vigilant and receive less physical support from others. A hug is rare.
We focus on what we feel we can control. Hygiene practices, social distancing and educating ourselves on restrictions and case numbers. This false sense of security can deafen the underlying current of anxiety around potential realities. It is important that we can share with others what is most anxious and distressing for us right now. What are the inner mind stories we are telling ourselves?
In doing so, we may find that our thoughts and feelings are shared by others. A sense of connection, of not truly being isolated from common human responses. At the very least we may find someone who relates with empathy. Someone who can receive our pain in confidence and allow us to hear out loud what is inside our minds.
A special exhibition over the past year at the Rubin Museum of Art in New York asked visitors to anonymously write down their anxieties and hopes. Thousands of people responded – cataloging their secret fears including – dying alone or the possibility of missed opportunities in life. There were also words of hope for the overriding beauty of the world and the possibility of happiness. Observers of the exhibition were able to identify with the inner sentiments displayed on its walls.
There is a caution about showing our vulnerability. It is best done in a relationship that has some history. The person we share with needs to have earned our trust through their actions.
- In this relationship, the vulnerability is reciprocated by each person.
- They show empathy, relating to our concerns.
- They keep our conversations in confidence.
- The vulnerable moments are seen in the context of our whole personality.
When lovingly received and respected, vulnerability becomes a beautiful skill of connection. When someone shares their inner anxieties and hopes the possibility of being hurt helps open the door to a more genuine, intimate interaction.
