Throughout our lives, as women, we take on a multitude of identities. Our life begins as someone’s daughter and as we journey through adulthood, we take on additional roles. We can become wives, mothers, nurturers and workplace colleagues. A whole rich identity, and associated expectations, emerges during our adulthood. Author Brene Brown sees the midlife years, our 40’s and 50’s, as a time of unravelling of these multiple identities. It is a time to examine who we are in each role and what no longer serves us. In doing this exploration we move closer to our true authentic nature.
People may call what happens at midlife a crisis, but it is more like an unravelling
Brene Brown
At times we wonder how we have managed to juggle our professional careers with caring for our home and children. We were among the pioneering generation of women combining work and parenting. Leaving professional work often coincides with when our children grow up and are seeking their independence. Both our workplace and our mothering role have fed our need for social connection and purpose. As a result, many retired women and empty nesting mothers struggle to find new purpose in their life.
I loved being a mother and it was a large part of my identity. If you are like me, it is not surprising if you struggled to step back from advice giving and monitoring during your children’s teenage years. As hard as it is for us, this is the time to allow our children their independence – to make mistakes, to face struggles and be challenged outside our overseeing gaze. We have memories of our own youthful journey to independence and feel both excited and concerned for their well-being. We know from experience that hard knocks and bad decisions are part of emerging into adulthood.
Leaving our workplaces for good, adds another layer of identity loss. As a woman, the workplace provides strong friendships alongside our work roles. Meaningful connection matters. Our self-esteem and competence are fed from the time we spend working together. On retirement, we soon find that we are dispensable in our previous workplaces and it is more difficult to keep in touch with work colleagues.
There becomes a need to find new direction and purpose. I replaced work with further study as I felt the need to continue stimulating my brain daily. I loved the challenge and new knowledge. It gave renewed purpose to my life. Although I was older than most other students in my degree I enjoyed connecting over coursework, assignments and exam study. It was also a thrill to complete the course and attend graduation on campus.
Another opportunity at this stage of life is travel. It is a time when we can finally catch up for lost time in seeing the world. Gone are the hands-on responsibilities of work and family. Often it is also a time when travel is financially possible. Unfortunately, at the present time we are all facing restrictions on travel. As these lift our countries will provide the first opportunities to explore before international travel routes reopen.
What has been your experience of peeling back all the responsibilities of work and family? It certainly is a process of redefining who you are and dealing with the negative aspects of loneliness, loss of identity and dips in confidence. It is also a time that holds the possibility of new adventures and ways to show up in the world.
As long as you live keep learning how to live
Seneca
Once we get to our fifties, we may only be halfway through our lifespan. Begin by planning for the additional decades of ‘bonus years’ you hope to have ahead. This can be done while you are still working and raising your family. Dream about the experiences, growth and contributions you wish to make. See your priorities clearly and build strong social networks and activities outside your immediate family obligations and workplace.
